'Adult' education

I originally wrote this as a response to the media’s gushing over the death of a porn star a couple of years ago. Though her memory may have faded, the beast she fed survives…The post has been modified from its original form.

‘Adult entertainment.’ ‘Adult films.’ ‘Adult DVDs, movies, videos.’

If 'adult' is equated with 'mature', and 'mature' equates to 'old enough to know better,' or 'responsible and sensible', then what adult would want to watch such a film?

Many of you know that I am a 'recovering porn addict.' I know what damage I did to my soul and my marriage by exposing (pun intended) myself to these pieces of toxic waste. The demand is great for such product as this...far greater now than when the late Marilyn Chambers made her debut. (Yes, I did see her big film. Unfortunately.) The appetite for flesh on film has desensitized us to the point that our kids can watch what once would have been considered ‘soft-core’ on our TVs every evening. We can take a trip to any mall in any town in America and see young ladies wearing revealing clothing that would have made Grandma blush. Victoria has no secrets anymore; they’re all on public display.

All of this public skin feeds our appetite for more of the same. We’re not satisfied with the occasional bare shoulder as the camera fades to black. We want the full monty. And worse. After a while, even that’s not good enough to give us the ‘high’ we are accustomed to, so we pursue a more risky fix. Relationships, jobs, even our lives are put at risk in our pursuit of our next piece, be it real or virtual. And it seldom stops before irreparable harm has been done. I know this because I was there.

I was there for 25+ years. If you are into porn, I am not going to slam a Bible on your head and pronounce damnation on you, although I could show you passages which would seem to indicate God ain't too happy with it. I just want to tell you in no uncertain terms that this stuff is poison. Poisonous to your mind. Poisonous to your relationships, whether you are married or not. Poisonous to your view of the opposite sex (or even the same sex...been there, done that too.) It corrodes your ability to have and enjoy intimacy...not just physical intimacy, but emotional, conversational, relational intimacy. After viewing or reading it, every single time you attempt to engage in an intimate moment (with or without clothing), a little of your capacity to be intimate is eaten away. Eventually, you find yourself unable to become close to anyone without having a sexual thought or impulse pounce on you.

I poisoned my life and my marriage with this stuff. I gave my bride a taste of it, and she went and did exactly what I was doing. James hit the bullseye when he wrote (James 1:14-15) that we are dragged by our desires into sin, and sin gives birth to death.

This stuff is contagious. Kill it. Kill it now. Kill it before it kills you.

We can’t afford to stop there, though. Our friends, our children, our coworkers are caught in this trap as well. Some has speculated that 2/3 of all men either are currently feeding a porn / sex addiction or have had issues in the past with one. Look around you and count. Two out of every three guys you count have been caught up in this pernicious toxin. But no one wants to talk about it! Be the exception! Give your friend some cover, and stand with him. Find someone you can call when you feel that tingling, that burning to log on and check out. Accountability turns a bright light on this evil, and it runs away. Guys, they only sell this stuff because they know we buy it. If we reduce the demand for this toxin, market economics tell us the supply will shrink as well.

BIG recommendation if you're into books: 'The Dirty Little Secret' by Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com . Take a look at the unairbrushed underbelly of porn, warts and all. If you aren't sick now, you will be when you finish.

Jesus said if we even lust, that's the same as actually engaging in adultery. Adulterers are listed in several lists of people that won't get into Heaven. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 is my favorite list:

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

I am batting 9 for 10 in that list. But there's hope! Read verse 11:

Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

It's possible to be cleaned of this scourge. Jesus can remove this toxin...and any others as well. I'm proof that he can do it.

I don't know where many of the porn producers stand with the Lord, but there are many others out there in their shoes who need to make that decision. Pray for them. Pray for all the victims of porn....the husbands who swallow a little, then a little more, then eventually the whole thing until they have to get more and more to satisfy; the wives who struggle with the loss of their husbands to an airbrushed impossibility; the women who, faced with hunger or loneliness, are lured into this trap with seemingly no way out; the purveyors of these poisons, who may or may not realize what their product is doing to countless millions; the young man or woman who stumbles onto something during an innocent Google search and now can't get away from it; and many more. Our God is big enough to handle this. Dare we ask Him to?

Upon looking at the doctor on TV and seeing my face...

Much has been said online and over the air about the heinous actions of a certain local pediatrician. He is in custody and, having been indicted, will be led through the state's judicial process and will face the prescribed punishment, if convicted. He must - and will - pay the penalty Delaware's jurists and legislators have determined is appropriate for his crimes.

(As an aside, I wish to publicly thank State Attorney General 'Beau' Biden for acknowledging that he has an important task to finish, and for not running off to take his daddy's Senate seat. This guy has integrity. I like that in an elected official.)

A virulent cloud of hate swirls amidst us when the Dr. Bradley case is discussed. People speak of him in terms reserved for vermin and reptiles. Amateur dismemberment squads are proposed. The possibilities of what might happen if he was "accidentally" released to the general prison population are spoken of with glee. Hatchets, rusty knives, and electric tools of many types have been offered up as implements of justice. These opinions are understandable: no one wants to see children injured or traumatized, especially in such an intimate manner, and especially not by a supposedly trustworthy professional. As a father, I completely understand the rage that incites such emotion.

But I disagree with it completely.

When I look at Dr. Bradley, I see someone who stands just a few short steps down the road from where I stood at one time in my life. A handful of steps one way or the other, and it might have been my face on TV. Yes, he made the decision, and yes, he is responsible for his choices.

But what sort of things can happen to someone so bring them to a place where they think this is a good course of action?

Some statistics were quoted to me the other evening: 70% of people with sexual addiction have been sexually abused at some point in their lives. 80% have been physically abused. Nearly all have been emotionally abused or neglected. I don't have the stats on where exposure to porn fits here, but based on my own experiences, I believe it goes hand-in-hand. Find a vulnerable person and destroy their self-worth. Destroy their value. Dehumanize them. Use them. It was done to me. It was what I learned. In time, I would in turn dehumanize someone else. And the cycle (ordinarily) continues.

The cycle can be stopped. It requires a decision to stop. It requires a reorganization of the manner in which one thinks: a transformation by the renewing of the mind, as Paul says in Romans 12:2. But the mind is so closely allied with the heart. Can one change without the other changing as well? Mmmmm, possible, but not likely. Even if the mind says, 'This is a bad thing; we shouldn't do it," the heart is accustomed to the rush which accompanies the action and demands we continue on the destructive path anyway. The things we don't want to do are the things we end up doing. And since we KNOW we shouldn't be doing them, the shame and guilt that follows push us deeper into the isolation from which the desire arose in the first place.

Okay, enough mirror-watching for a bit. How can we prevent future Dr. Bradleys or Tommy Leggs (or Ron Sutlers, for that matter) from heading to this dark place, if they each have the power of freewill? I don't have the magic wand that would make it all go away, but I have some ideas.

1. Let's speak up about sex in church. Hey, if God thought it was dirty, would we have the Song of Solomon? C'mon, you gotta have asbestos gloves on when you read it. It's that hot! Seriously though, this is a topic that is typically hush-hush in churches. Paul had little problem talking about it -- he wrote of kicking out a guy who was doing his mother-in-law! And he wrote of the pride that church had in itself for its 'tolerance' of immorality. Sounds familiar. Anyways....God created it and thought is was special enough to be enjoyed by a husband and wife. Can we get God back into sex? That brings me to....

2. Let's speak up about the degrading effect of porn. Surveys indicate that over half of all men -- IN CHURCH -- either have or have had struggles with pornography. This stuff is an intimacy killer, a relationship toxin, a soul destroyer. It provides a false intimacy to replace the true intimacy of marriage. It lures with promises of exotic pleasures, but delivers isolation and addiction. A little is no longer enough.....you need more and stronger images to achieve the same 'high.' But this stuff is everywhere! In the corner store, on the Net, on the cable TV, even on the cellphone. It is pervasive. Many primetime TV shows would have been considered softcore porn just a few short years ago. And advertising! Why do we need tits and ass to sell web domains? Or cars? Or beer? Danica, keep your shirt on, honey! Guys, they do it because we respond to it. And we become numb....desensitized....almost immune. it requires more to 'arouse' our wallets (and other things) into action. But we ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES! And then we wonder why teens are acting out at younger and younger ages! Porn is a many-tentacled thing.

3. Let's demonstrate a Godly love to our wives. They need to see the strong provider and protector God intended us to be. Take a stand when you see this crap on your TV: turn the channel. Let her see you avert your eyes when the hot chick with everything hanging out walks past in WalMart. Job said he made a covenant with his eyes to not look at another woman with lust. Not a bad plan.

4. Become a part of a group of guys sharing the fight. David had a few dozen guys split out of Judah with him when Saul was after his head. They hung together and became known as his mighty men. They had each other's back. They fought side by side and shared in the victories and the struggles. There are many men out there with these same issues. Get their numbers. Call them when you feel tempted, when you feel alone, when you feel vulnerable. Face it, we already proved we can't do it alone, right?

5. Invite God into the battle. Hey, it doesn't hurt to have the biggest guy on the block on your side, right? Blow the dust off of that big black book and open it up. Read about David and Joseph and what they did when faced with temptation....and the different results they achieved. This isn't a fight you can win alone. I can tell you how Jesus helped me to get clean, but He didn't put me in a bubble so I stayed that way. I got dirty again soon enough, but He stood ready to re-clean and re-strengthen me. It is a day-by-day struggle. Some days are oh so easy, but then there are those other days that I come so close to falling. He won't let you fall if you lean on Him. Hard lesson to learn.

6. When you see or hear of a person with struggles in the area of sexuality, don't reject or condemn them. We already feel rejected and condemned in our own minds. Jesus didn't condemn the adulterous woman (hey, where was the man she was with? I wonder if he was one of the ones who brought her?)...He released her and told her to stop what she was doing. Us perverts need love, too. Face it, we've been looking for it in all the wrong places, as the song goes. We need TRUE love and intimacy. All we know is the false love and intimacy that brings grief. Show us Jesus' love. Show us Jesus. It might take a while, but keep on showing it. Encourage us. Exhort us. Support us. Pray for us. Pray WITH us.

Love us. Please.

What if someone had introduced Bradley or Leggs to real intimacy with Jesus? There might be 103 fewer victims in Lewes. There might be one less girl in the cemetary. Isn't it worth a shot?

But...

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

When contemplating which way to go, sometimes it’s helpful to remember where you’ve come from, the direction you’ve been traveling, and the means by which you’ve arrived at this point. The Israelites recognized this and erected mounds of stones as memorials – Ebenezer stones – to commemorate important events. Washington, D.C. is awash in memorials to this president or to that war. It’s important that we remember our history, since it has an impact on our future.

Paul was erecting a Scriptural Ebenezer stone for the church at Corinth in the above passage. Many members of that church had previously been numbered among the wicked practitioners of the sins he lists. As he condemns them to exclusion from God’s kingdom, he pauses and says, ‘And that is what some of you were. But…’

But. Small word, big meaning. ‘But’ stands between what was and what is, between what has been and what may be. ‘But’ says you used to think a certain way, talk a certain way, do certain things…and those thoughts, words, and actions separated you from God. ‘But’ says something has happened to change that. ‘But’ says you are different now.

I am different now. Something happened to me. I was separated from God by my thoughts, words, and actions. I was the man Paul wrote about. This is my story.

I’m not really sure how it started: there were so many pieces – my parents’ divorce when I was 9, finding mom’s boyfriend’s stash of hardcore at age 10, meeting the strange old man from church who liked having boys rub him down with lotion at age 12, discovering masturbation, entertaining secret fantasies….these were all contributing factors, to be sure. By the time I left home for college, I was already hooked on sex and didn’t realize it. So far, though, (except for the old man and some ‘exploration’ when I was younger) the only ‘real’ person it involved was me.

Even then, something told me this wasn’t right. I tried to impose ‘sanctions’ on myself when I succumbed to the urge to masturbate, to no avail. Eventually, I began to accept that this was a part of my life.

Until the day everything changed for the worse.

My secret fantasies had almost always involved other men. I discovered a local place where men hooked up anonymously for sex, and I timidly approached. So began almost 25 years of lies, shame, and guilt. It wasn’t about relationships…for me, it was all about the sex. Living a double life takes a considerable amount of planning and coordination. You don’t want the one side to know about the other, because exposure brings pain and humiliation. This was the unforgivable, the one thing the Bible thumpers would chase you out of town for. Not that I was a ‘religious’ person, but I knew how the game was played. You show up on Sunday, put your $5 in the plate for fire insurance, and look righteous while you sing ‘Rock of Ages.’

I worried what would happen if I were uncovered? My new wife might abandon me, my employer might fire me, and there was also this new worry I heard about on TV…what was it called? AIDS? I knew it was wrong. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop. I had to do something.

How about a change of scenery? Circumstances provided an opportunity to relocate some 2,800 miles away, and I took my wife and new son east for a new beginning….to what I would soon discover was the gay capital of the East Coast. Before long I was back to my old habits and deeper into my old shame.

Once my marriage dissolved, it became harder and harder to keep my two lives separated. Frequently I’d run into men who I knew from the Dark Side while I was shopping or working. This was getting too close. I changed jobs, remarried, and tried harder to withdraw from this pattern. James talks about being dragged away and enticed by one’s own desires. That was me. I could run, but I couldn’t run away from me. I was falling closer to the bottom of the pit, where the death is that James speaks of :

… each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is fullgrown, gives birth to death. (James 1:14-15)

We began listening to a couple we met at a camp, and eventually accepted their invitation to church, where we found the husband was a pastor. Eventually we both realized we needed to let Christ have control of our lives, and we accepted His forgiveness and grace. I wondered then, could Jesus maybe help me with this monster I had become?

It was a Friday evening in Baltimore, an unlikely place for a divine appointment. I was invited by the pastor to attend a Promise Keepers event, and I went, not knowing what to expect. This new Christian life was exciting and liberating, however, there were still times I was unable to resist the old temptations. I was feeling like a failure. The speaker that night asked for a show of hands – how many men had struggles with pornography? With fornication? With adultery? With homosexuality? Though I wanted to raise my hand every time, I worried what my companions might think. I prayed with the speaker to be released from the hold my addiction had on me. When we were dismissed for a bathroom break, I visited a book vendor and picked up ‘Every Man’s Battle,’ a book I had been hearing about. I didn’t put it down until I had finished reading it completely. For a guy who was still having trouble figuring out his Colossians from his Chronicles in his new 20-pound King James, this was the Holy Grail. The authors pulled Scripture out so a newbie could grasp it easily.

Among other things, God used that book and that event to show me that I could not change without His help. He showed me I need to own my actions and not hide under the ‘addictions’ or ‘I’m a product of my environment and upbringing’ or ‘this is how I was made’ blankets. He showed me how to take every thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 5), how submission to God gives me power to resist (James 4:7), that He empowers me to do anything (Philippians 4:13), and that through Him I have self-control (2 Timothy 1:7). He also showed me the power of forgiveness (Colossians 3:12-13), that He made me in His image (Genesis 1:27), and that my body is His temple, so I should honor it (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). The most lasting thing He has shown me is that light chases away darkness, and darkness no longer has any power when exposed to light (Ephesians 5:11-14).

He also brought to my attention a passage in 1 Corinthians, where Paul tells a church in an immoral city that there’s no depth of sin where we might fall that’s too deep for God to retrieve us. I could fit snugly within Paul’s Top Ten list from 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. I failed to qualify for admission to the kingdom. I couldn’t change that.

And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Some of us were wicked. Some of us were bound. Some of us were struggling under guilt, under shame, under failure. That is what we were.

But…

This is what we are. We have been washed – cleansed of sin -- by Jesus. We have been sanctified – set apart – for His use. We have been justified – given a ‘Not Guilty’ verdict – through Him.

We were deserving of eternal banishment from the presence of God. We were.

But…

Because of Him, we are clean.

Sometimes he chooses to remove our baggage instantly. What a cause for celebration! And sometimes He chooses to make us work for it. That’s where I am. Every day I have to start out with Him reminding me of where I’ve been and where I’m going. This passage is where I erect my Ebenezer stone. When people ask about my journey, I can show them this memorial. It’s not a memorial to sin or pride in my old ways, but a reminder that you can’t be so far down that God can’t bring you out. It’s a celebration of the distance God has brought me from where I had hidden.

I know where I’ve been. I know how I got here.

But…

I also know Who I’m following.